JohnFMurray.com

Long’s eighth season as UNM coach gets in full swing Monday as the team begins fall practice for the 2005 season.

Under Long, the one-time Lobos quarterback, the program is enjoying one of its most prosperous periods: three straight Mountain West Conference runner-up finishes, three straight bowl-game appearances for the first time in the school’s 106-year history.

Losses in each bowl game, however, have kept UNM from finishing on a positive note.

“I don’t agree with that,” Long says. “I think we’ve ended the last three seasons on a positive note. I don’t agree that losing a bowl game eliminates everything you’ve done during the season.”

No, but the fact is that UNM hasn’t felt good about itself at the end of December in 2002, ‘03 or ‘04.

This is supposed to be a feel-good story— namely, what can the Lobos do to feel good about themselves at the end of December 2005?

The Lobos are in full preseason-speak mode, saying the MWC title is the goal, they’ve learned from past mistakes, they’ve worked harder this offseason than they ever have. …

Yada, yada, yada. The bottom line is UNM hasn’t won a conference championship in 41 years or a bowl game in 44. Does taking the next step simply mean working harder?

Or does it go deeper? Do the Lobos have a psychological bridge to cross?

Depends on whom you ask.

The doctor is in

“I do believe there’s something there to be dealt with,” says Dr. John F. Murray, a noted sports performance and clinical psychologist based in Florida, referring to UNM’s three successive bowl losses.

“I would want to know more about the particulars about the program,” he said. “I don’t want to sound like I’m some wheeler-dealer that can come in and fix it all. It sounds like (UNM’s) done a good job, improving the program year to year.”

The Lobos went 7-5 in 2004, marking their third straight year the program won at least seven games.

UNM enjoyed breakthrough wins each of those seasons (at Brigham Young in ‘02, at Utah in ‘03 and at home against Texas Tech in ‘04).

Yet, the Lobos have not won a nonconference game outside New Mexico in Long’s tenure. They’re 0-14.

Opponents have outscored UNM by a combined 116-46 in the three bowls.

“It just seems like certain teams have a collective confidence” do you truly expect to win or not” that carries a team over,” Murray says. “Those teams just seem to have a knack for the big game.

He says confidence is the biggest asset a team can have in playing a “big game.” The greatest source of confidence is past success.

A team without a tradition of success” like UNM” has to “fake it until you make it,” Murray says.

“I don’t think the psychological factor in this case is the primary influence,” Murray says. “I think the primary influence is talent. But I believe there’s something to be said for momentum. Think of how many games come down to a few critical plays. Even if the psychological factor is 10 percent or 15 percent, does that give you a little more strut” not thinking but just doing” and a little more focus at critical times?”

That’s just crazy

“I don’t think it’s psychological at all,” Long says. “I just don’t think we’ve played to our physical ability in any of the bowl games.”

Long says the long layoff between the regular-season finale and the bowl game hurts UNM, which has been a strong regular-season closer. The Lobos are 8-2 in November games from 2002-2004.

“I think what a lot of people don’t realize is our talent level is very comparable to the people we play,” Long says. “If you go back through the league the last six years and see who has won the most close football games, it’s the University of New Mexico.

“That’s proof that our teams have played closer to their A-game than anybody else in this league has.”

Own worst enemy

The Lobos themselves seem to side with the good doctor.

“I think the biggest thing in keeping us from taking the next step is us,” junior offensive guard Robert Turner says. “We’ve been what’s held us back every year. I think for an inexperienced team, that’s the hardest thing to do, to not hold yourself back” whether it’s emotions on the field that cause stupid penalties or a lack of knowledge of the game. Not to take anything away from our opponents, but I think our biggest competitor is going to be us.”

Adds senior running back Adrian Byrd, “It’s become psychological because we don’t want to finish second anymore. We don’t want to go to a bowl game and lose anymore.”

UNM’s 2005 hopes seem to hinge on both physical and mental aspects of the program.

The Lobos transformed their offense in the offseason from a power-based to a spread formation to improve a passing attack that ranked 114th of 117 Division I-A teams in ‘04.

UNM is also anxious to find out how well senior tailback DonTrell Moore has recovered from offseason surgery after tearing the anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee against Navy in the Emerald Bowl on Dec. 30.

Long says the offense is a strong point entering the season— which is a mouthful, considering UNM’s defense is one of only three Division I-A teams to finish in the top 30 in the country the past five seasons (the other two: Oklahoma and Texas).

“Going into the season, we’ve got concerns about experience at safety, linebacker and kicker,” Long says. “That’s not a lot of positions.”

The starting experience junior quarterback Kole McKamey gained last season is invaluable, Long says.

Obviously, UNM must avoid injury” the Lobos were 1-4 last season when either McKamey or Moore missed parts of or all of games because of injury.

The team has experience on its side, with 11 fifth-year seniors as starters. The fifth-year seniors are vying to play in their fourth consecutive bowl game, an unheard of opportunity in Lobos football lore.

“We have a lot of players at key positions that have been here for five years,” fifth-year senior linebacker Mike Mohoric says. “That’s the leadership this team needs to push through those times of adversity.”

The tools definitely seem in place for UNM to take that next step” physically, mentally … whatever.

After three years of “therapy,” the Lobos say the time is now.

“We see it coming,” senior cornerback Gabriel Fulbright says. “We’ve been so close the last three years, like we’re at the edge of the cliff, about to jump. But we ain’t caught flight yet.

You might wonder why Dan Marino is the first image that appears on this website. Here is my thinking: Dan Marino was the best sports psychologist to ever throw a football in the NFL. He had the killer instinct, total focus, ultimate confidence and that swagger and bold assertiveness that meant no turning back.

Here is what many people overlook, and you can quote me:

“DAN MARINO WON EVEN MORE WITH HIS SHARP MIND THAN WITH HIS QUICK RELEASE!”

Dan would look the opponent in the eye on 4th and 12 with 30 seconds left at midfield. Most would have attempted a 12 yard pass for a safe first down. Danny would find an open receiver after avoiding a sack, and right before he was tackeled he would heave it 50 yards to win the game. He was not only fearless, his confidence actually went into 4th gear in the 4th quarter. He seemed to need that extra pressure to shine. Do you remember? I do. It was unbelieveable.

I grew up in South Florida, admiring the likes of Griese and Csonka. Marino was the link from the greatness of the 70’s to the 80s and beyond. He influenced my love of sports in the 1980s after college, and my interest in all that was the mental side of sports and performance. He helped further ignite my passion for sports. He inspired all his fans and teammates.

Later I became a sports psychologist and was fortunate to work with NFL teams and quarterbacks. I met Dan Marino in the early 1990s at one of his functions, along with many others, and almost worked with him professionally. Dan and I were going to meet to talk sport psychology for the team a couple years back, as he had been hired in a management capacity. The meeting never took place because Dan soon retired from his new position.

He was smart to get out without a full commitment, and his legacy is intact. He can return to management any time he wants. While I was disappointed not to have the chance to work more with the team under his direction, my admiration for him has only grown. He made so many in South Florida happy and accomplished so much.

As I prepare to watch Dan Marino’s induction ceremony in Canton, Ohio, a flood of memories and emotions come back to me about a unique kid from Pittsburgh who had no fear, who saved the Dolphins’ claim to the only undefeated season, who extended Coach Shula’s career another 15 years, who more importantly was completely respected by his peers, fans, family and opponents. He is a true leader, a quality person, and an inspiration. Long live Dan Marino, the Miami legend with the golden arm and exceptional mind!

Kaeding had an excellent rookie season as San Diego’s kicker. But it ended with a memorable miss — a 40-yard field goal try in overtime that would have beaten the New York Jets in the first round of the NFL playoffs, until it sailed wide right.

Will it be a blip, a minor blemish in a successful career? Or will it be a kick that haunts his psyche every time he lines up for a crucial field goal?

“It hurt for a week or two, just like it probably did for everybody else,” Kaeding said last week. “I felt like I probably let the team down, and that’s kind of hard to get over in two weeks.

“But there comes a point in time where you’ve got to realize: ‘Hey, one kick didn’t get me here, didn’t get me to the NFL. And certainly one kick isn’t going to ruin my career.’ That’s the mentality I have.”

The Chargers rallied around their young kicker after the miss, and former Chargers kickers Rolf Benirschke and John Carney called Kaeding to offer advice and support.

Still, some concern would be natural. Kaeding, 23, an All-America selection and Lou Groza Award winner at the University of Iowa, made 20 of 25 regular-season field goals as an NFL rookie. But an entire nation of football fans watched his biggest moment turn sour.

“It’s the nature of the business,” long snapper David Binn said. “Every great kicker has had a moment like that, and it’s just unfortunate that it happened to him in his rookie year … You can go down the list. Every Hall of Fame-level kicker has missed ones like that. It just happens. I think he’ll be fine.”

Added San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer: “Of all who might find themselves in that circumstance, Nate Kaeding would be the least likely to have it become a negative. He is solid. You don’t get elected by your teammates as captain of your college football team for two consecutive years unless you have some special qualities.”

Punter Mike Scifres, who doubles as the holder for field goal and extra point attempts, said he was confident Kaeding would bounce back.

“He showed during the season that misses didn’t affect him too much,” Scifres said. “He’s a mentally strong kid.”

The Kick

The Chargers had just rallied to send the Jan. 8 playoff game into overtime, and after an exchange of punts they moved methodically down the field. They had a first-and-10 at the Jets’ 22, and used three LaDainian Tomlinson running plays — which netted no yardage — to set up Kaeding’s try from the right hash mark, on a field that had been rained on earlier in the evening.

“It was a little wet,” Binn said. “It wasn’t perfect conditions, but it usually never is. It’s not an excuse.”

After his miss, the Chargers never got another opportunity. New York drove seven plays to the San Diego 10 to set up Doug Brien’s successful 28-yarder for the victory.

The second-guessers emerged in force, maintaining that the Chargers should have tried for at least one more first down — reasoning that quarterback Drew Brees disputed.

“Usually what Marty does in those situations is ask the kicker, ‘What yard-line, and what hash (mark) do you want the ball on?’ ” Brees said.

“I’m not sure what the percentage of made field goals is in the NFL at 40 yards, but it’s pretty high. The fact that it was the playoffs and a rookie kicker seems to be what everyone was talking about. But if you ask Nate Kaeding how many field goals he’ll make from 40 yards, he’ll probably say 95 percent.”

In fact, he was 5 for 6 between 40 and 49 yards during the regular season.

After the game, Kaeding was despondent, saying, “The hardest thing for me is not being able to walk through here and look people in the eye.”

Two days later, at the Chargers practice facility, he was seen sobbing.

“Initially you worry,” Brees said of Kaeding’s ability to rebound. “But I’ve seen Nate numerous times in the off-season and talked to him. He’s kicking with a ton of confidence, and I think he has the mentality to bounce back from something like that. I’m not worried about the guy one bit.”

The Aftermath

Benirschke, now an author and motivational speaker in the San Diego area, said he’d gotten to know Kaeding during the season, since he was one of several Chargers alumni who regularly attended practices.

He talked with Kaeding about dealing with the aftermath.

“The challenge Nate obviously faces is, that was the last game of the year and he had all off-season to think about it,” Benirschke said in a phone interview. “People bring it up. They say, ‘Don’t worry about it,’ or, ‘Forget about it,’ but every time they bring it up, you think about it … It’s one of those ghosts you don’t dispel until you get through it.”

John Murray, a sports psychologist from Palm Beach, Fla., suggested that Kaeding should look at it this way: Whatever happens from here, it can’t be any worse.

“I really truly believe the key to success is dealing with failure, and then you don’t have any fear,” Murray said by phone. “Forget about the outcome. The outcome will take care of itself. That has nothing to do with the actual nanosecond you’re performing in.

“True elite athletes are the ones who love that pressure, thriving on the adversity of the challenge. They say, ‘Let me try it again.’ If he’s of that makeup, he’ll have that approach the next time it comes up.”

Kaeding said that after the hurt subsided, he couldn’t wait to kick again. That would seem to be a good sign.

“I’m real impatient,” he said. “My biggest thing was just getting back out there and working on it.

Wright bawled, tears running down his cheeks, and left the field. Wright has been immortalized on ESPN SportsCenter. Again and again and again. To his credit, he returned to the practice later.

There’s no crying in the boardroom either. Or up in accounting. No blubbering out on the loading docks. Or in the vegetable fields. Not in professions ruled by machismo, intimidation and stoicism. In other words, every job.

“Crying in the workplace is taboo,” said Wallace Johnston, better known as workplace columnist Dr. Wally. “It’s seen as a sign of weakness.”

“Crybaby” is a tattoo that can’t be scraped off. “No one wants to feel out of control and that’s what that represents,” said West Palm Beach psychologist John F. Murray, who specializes in sports.

Women cry four times as often as men do. And when men cry, it’s more like their eyes well with tears rather than unmanly, lip-curling boo-hooing, according to a study by University of Minnesota medical school professor William H. Frey II, who wrote Crying: The Mystery of Tears.

It’s a cultural thing, of course.

“For boys, there’s no crying after Little League,” said Dr. Wally. Boys learn to keep it inside. Frustration is channeled to anger, an acceptable outlet, rather than crying.

Little girls, on the other hand, are comforted more often when they cry and are picked up more often when they are infants, said Dr. Susan Murphy, a California management consultant and co-author of In the Company of Women.

“God forbid if you’re a man. A woman can get away with it a little more,” said Dana Lightman, a Pennsylvania psychotherapist and author of Power Optimism. And the conventional wisdom that Americans can be more in touch with their feelings is merely lip service in the working world.

Serial weepers stunt their own careers. They’re viewed as unable to control their emotions. Managers and colleagues tend not to give them honest feedback on their performance, for fear of a crying jag, Murphy said.

Crying on the job can be a symptom of a deeper problem, such as depression, that needs treatment, Murray said. But for most stressed-out, mildly neurotic Americans, crying is a result of criticism or pressure and criers can learn to manage it.

“If my boss criticized me, I would think, ‘Omigod, I’m a terrible worker. Omigod, I’m going to get fired. Omigod, he doesn’t like me,’ ” said Lightman, who admits she was Miss Waterworks in her early career.

She had to learn to take 24 hours to consider the criticism and to tell herself she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Other tricks for criers: Take a breath, realize that criticism doesn’t mean you’re worthless, even warn others that you’re prone to tears and it means nothing.

There are times when a few strategically placed tears are appropriate: if a co-worker dies, but not if your dog does; you win the Nobel Prize, but not if you’re employee-of-the-month; your retirement party, but not when you go on vacation.